Keeping Quiet
10 March 2009 8:26 pm
I don't know where to start with this entry.
For a long time I've been glazing over things in life letting them sit on the side and trying to avoid a certain subject as long as possible.
Things here are great.
In fact, things have never been better but I've become a bad diarylander and must confess that in the last few weeks I've been a little evasive with the truth.
I've always been really honest and had nothing to hide in my diaries, however, I've been holding off some things for a while until I knew how good or bad things would be.
Some of you may have seen my status of "Rebecca is much happier and more relaxed than she's felt for a while." over at facebook as I've had a lot on my mind for the last couple of weeks.
I've been a little stressed and feeling a little left out by alot of my friends recently.
I've had a few worries with my health in recent weeks also and earlier today, I had an appointment at my local hospital.
Bf came along with me for a little support and we came out with the following:
Please meet baby #3!
We are due September 20th.
This is probably some very surprising news to most of you today. :)
I'm telling my friends here at diaryland before I post the news on facebook as alot of you have followed me for some time and I feel closer to my readers than I do some people I went to school with whom I haven't interacted with since.
The only reason I managed to keep it quiet so long is because I was worried.
Very worried if the truth be told, so much so that I was not getting too excited about this baby until I knew things were ok in there.
I couldn't rest until we had the scan. The day I took a pregnancy test was the day I rushed myself to the GP after having sharp stomach pains a couple of evenings beforehand. I already suspected that I was pregnant as I was 2 weeks late but first I needed confirmation for myself and to be able to give my GP as much information as possible and then reassurance that I wasn't having a miscarriage. I couldn't get to my GP straight away as it was very late Saturday night and as the pain only lasted seconds I'd have felt wrong going to an emergency medical place the following morning when I felt fine. If it had continued or happened again, I'd have gone straight to the hospital but would have felt a fraud when REAL ill people were needing help. My GP was really good and reassured me that with no bleeding it was highly unlikely to be related to the pregnancy at all. I've since discovered it was wind pain bought on by IBS.
Still that was not enough to reassure me.
Last week I had a couple of miscarriage dreams that I found really upsetting, I know some readers have been through this tragedy so I won't go into it but one was so graphic, I got out of bed, shut myself in the bathroom and cried solid for 15 minutes at 4am.
Despite having on off nausea and backache, feeling extremely tired, feeling more emotional than I have ever felt in my life with the slightest things really upsetting me and being desperately hormonal and sometimes downright bitchy the entire time, (all the clues were there haha) I found I still lived in a shadow of fear.
I was incredibly nervous this time round and was actually dreading the scan as I feared finding out that I lost my baby at 5 weeks 5 days.
So because of that I managed to keep quiet about being pregnant for 7 weeks and I am now 12 weeks 1 day in and now about to enter my second trimester!!!!
We told our families our news just before we went away on holiday as it would have been rather obvious that I wasn't drinking.
James will be 10.5 mths by the time this baby is born and it WILL be hard work when he/she arrives but it's what we want and what suits us. Some people may think it's a very close gap but we see more advantages to having another child now rather than in another couple of years. Financially and physically it makes more sense to me. I'm already a devoted full time mother and I always wanted to have my three children before 30. I wanted to be a young mum so I can be more active with them at a younger age when I feel most fit and able.
What really concerned me though, was my GP's initial reaction when I told her I was pregnant again so soon after James. Her first question was "so what do you want to do about this pregnancy?" Not "Was this baby planned?" but more or less "Do you want to go ahead with this?" It got me wondering how common it is for women to opt for abortions when faced with 2 close children. For me it would never be an option but I find the whole reaction frightening.
I've always made it clear I would love a summer/autumn baby and a close age gap but I suppose I didn't think it THAT possible. I had hoped to falll pregnant quick but was amazed by how quick it did happen as we conceived over christmas. We spoke about it when I was on my period a couple of weeks before that about having another baby close to James and agreed that three children would be enough. We would have a third then concentrate on getting older and letting the kids grow up rather than think about adding to the family any more after that. We agreed we'd give it one go without using contraception. If I hadn't have fallen pregnant when I did, I would have gone on the depo injection from January for 6-9 months before trying for a baby in mid 2010. Yet, as I waited for a period until I had the injection done, it didn't come so as pleased as I was with the latest pregnancy I was shocked by how easy it was done.
When I was pregnant with James last year, my early gut feeling was that I was going to be a mum to two boys. This time I suspected from day 1 we will be having a girl. But having thought at some point or another that both boys were going to be girls, my maternal instinct means very little indeed. :) Then when I saw my wriggly little one in my scan today, thoughts immediately turned to a third boy!!! :)
Depending on the money situation in a few weeks, we may or may not ask to be referred to a different hospital to find out the sex this time. Part of me wants to find out while another part thinks the surprise would be nice. I'd like to be more prepared but at the same time, it stays exciting for longer when you are still trying to guess up to the last minute.
I'd just like to finally say that I am so much more relaxed and happy knowing all is well and I can now share my happy news properly and enjoy my pregnancy at last. I'm absolutely thrilled and can't wait to be a mummy of three!!!
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